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"No nursing home for me! I'm checking into the Hilton. With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Hilton. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves ....$138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
2. Laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5.00 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Hilton will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Hilton there, too. ..the wonderful Hilton Hawaiian Village and Spa.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Hilton will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my e-mails to the Hilton!"
Upon telling this story at a dinner with friends and too much red wine, we came up with even more benefits the Hilton provides to retirees:
Most standard rooms have coffeemakers, easy chairs with ottomans, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Hilton's even feature live entertainment on the weekends.
Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free Program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, in a Hilton you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same.
And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room--your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Allegedly Stephen Bollenback, CEO of Hilton was told this story and he was positively ecstatic at the idea of us checking in for a year or more at one of their hotels. Stephen said we could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night! See you at the Hilton...and not just for a "Bounce Back Weekend"...but for the rest of our lives!
**************************** A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was just impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer pointedly said, "You know, you're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"
**************************** Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."**************************** God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
- Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10, oh well, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
- Then something is supposed to happen, I think. (Maybe you get your memory back.)
**************************** POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.Memory was something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2-in floppy
You hoped nobody found out.Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.Cut you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead**************************** There were these two elderly people living in Hawaiian Isles, a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.Now, one evening there was a "pot luck" supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
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****************************Universal Symbol for Computer Stress
****************************Subject: REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant NOR ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck And send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. hmmmmmmm?
As only a beltway resident could understand . . . .Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God," and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, green fields, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the politicians I'm putting next to them in Washington, DC."
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REAL TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. ==============================================
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look.
For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment due.
5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere-and let the air out of their tires.
6) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. ==============================================
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
10) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
11) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
12) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
13) Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
14) Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
==============================================THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
****************************************
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and put her out of her misery. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"
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Extreme Sports
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Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two Monks, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
